The Perfect Job

I am so sick and tired of this shitty spam posted every morning, for every job category within craigslist. Seriously, how out of touch are these people? List your car in a different section, not in the section poor broke ass chumps look for jobs. It's really insulting.

So I decided to take matters in my own hands. If you are going to feature yourself in a job posting section, I want that job. Even if that job means I have to drive a BMW convertible. I feel that I am well qualified!

Here is my email to the poster, detailing my strengths and how I am best suited for this opportunity!

Dear Hiring Manager,
I am very interested in the job opportunity you have offered on the craigslist website. Let me start off by telling you how great I think the BMW product line is. German engineering is just brilliant, isn't it? In addition to this, I am very familiar with operating a vehicle. When it comes to parking, I have no problem maneuvering into small spots, even on busy streets. I have had my driver's license for over 10 years and my record is clean. My schedule is flexible so I would be available to drive this car for you day and night. I am looking to make approximately $35,000 annually. With your company's standards in excellence and my expertise I think that we have success on our hands. I look forward to discussing this job opportunity in more detail when we conduct our interview.

Regards,
Martha Z


I'll keep you posted!

Several Things

I wish that if I wished hard enough I could have a job. Being unemployed, with very job leads since January has really taken it's toll on me. I'm tired of feeling like an unproductive citizen. Why can't searching for jobs be profitable? And why is that every other job posting sounds like a total scam? Why is it that so many jobs either pay less then I claim in my government funds, or have totally unrealistic job qualifications? Do you really need a doctorate to answer a phone and take messages? I'm not even sure who I feel worse for.

My body hates me for being unemployed. It wants me to be active instead of sitting in front of a computer screen searching for said jobs. Being unemployed is also not very fashionable. I try and retain a routine of dressing and showering daily, even though many days can go by where I don't leave the house. My clothes are either too small, worn out or just frumpy. The thought of going out can even be a chore, wait, I have to wear pretty and cute clothes?

I hope that my relationships aren't at a complete loss. I blow off friends left and right. "Oh what are you doing tonight?" "We're going to [insert restaurant, bar, venue, movie, store]." "Oh, I better stay home, I shouldn't be spending any money." I should round up all my other jobless buddies and start a craft circle. Or set up a giant yard sale to sell our remaining possessions to pay bills.

And my credit suffers. Paying bills on time used to be such an easy task, set up auto-payments, or make the payment as soon as my bill came out. Now I sleep in terror that I will get some credit harassing phone call about being overdue, and they don't care that my unemployment check doesn't post till next week.

I'm not looking for pity, I'm not asking for consolation. I don't hesitate to admit that I'm unemployed. That I was laid off from my job that I worked hard for and enjoyed for 4 years. There is no shame, yet people seem to shudder or frown when I make this statement. This world is an an economic topsy-turvy. Hopefully a golden opportunity comes by soon, otherwise you may have to spare me a dime.