True Dat!

The Perfect Job

I am so sick and tired of this shitty spam posted every morning, for every job category within craigslist. Seriously, how out of touch are these people? List your car in a different section, not in the section poor broke ass chumps look for jobs. It's really insulting.

So I decided to take matters in my own hands. If you are going to feature yourself in a job posting section, I want that job. Even if that job means I have to drive a BMW convertible. I feel that I am well qualified!

Here is my email to the poster, detailing my strengths and how I am best suited for this opportunity!

Dear Hiring Manager,
I am very interested in the job opportunity you have offered on the craigslist website. Let me start off by telling you how great I think the BMW product line is. German engineering is just brilliant, isn't it? In addition to this, I am very familiar with operating a vehicle. When it comes to parking, I have no problem maneuvering into small spots, even on busy streets. I have had my driver's license for over 10 years and my record is clean. My schedule is flexible so I would be available to drive this car for you day and night. I am looking to make approximately $35,000 annually. With your company's standards in excellence and my expertise I think that we have success on our hands. I look forward to discussing this job opportunity in more detail when we conduct our interview.

Regards,
Martha Z


I'll keep you posted!

Several Things

I wish that if I wished hard enough I could have a job. Being unemployed, with very job leads since January has really taken it's toll on me. I'm tired of feeling like an unproductive citizen. Why can't searching for jobs be profitable? And why is that every other job posting sounds like a total scam? Why is it that so many jobs either pay less then I claim in my government funds, or have totally unrealistic job qualifications? Do you really need a doctorate to answer a phone and take messages? I'm not even sure who I feel worse for.

My body hates me for being unemployed. It wants me to be active instead of sitting in front of a computer screen searching for said jobs. Being unemployed is also not very fashionable. I try and retain a routine of dressing and showering daily, even though many days can go by where I don't leave the house. My clothes are either too small, worn out or just frumpy. The thought of going out can even be a chore, wait, I have to wear pretty and cute clothes?

I hope that my relationships aren't at a complete loss. I blow off friends left and right. "Oh what are you doing tonight?" "We're going to [insert restaurant, bar, venue, movie, store]." "Oh, I better stay home, I shouldn't be spending any money." I should round up all my other jobless buddies and start a craft circle. Or set up a giant yard sale to sell our remaining possessions to pay bills.

And my credit suffers. Paying bills on time used to be such an easy task, set up auto-payments, or make the payment as soon as my bill came out. Now I sleep in terror that I will get some credit harassing phone call about being overdue, and they don't care that my unemployment check doesn't post till next week.

I'm not looking for pity, I'm not asking for consolation. I don't hesitate to admit that I'm unemployed. That I was laid off from my job that I worked hard for and enjoyed for 4 years. There is no shame, yet people seem to shudder or frown when I make this statement. This world is an an economic topsy-turvy. Hopefully a golden opportunity comes by soon, otherwise you may have to spare me a dime.

or



I love them both

Silk Tie Eggs, No Yolk!

Another holiday is upon us and of course I procrastinate til the last minute until I finally embark on a craft project. Went to my favorite search engine, looked up "decorate Easter eggs" and low and behold the Martha Stewart website appears. Martha is the queen of artsy decorative bric a brac, but would I be up to the project? The silk tie egg project got me all wide eyed and hyper, I rushed out to the thrift store to gather up old silk ties and some white bedsheets. I traveled all over the city looking for an egg blower and finally stumbled across one at an Ukrainian shop. The egg blower worked like a charm and pumped the white and yolk out of my eggies like nobodies business. The project was such a blast and turned out well I had to capture the moments in a little d.i.y. tutorial.

Here are a few items that you will need for your project:
Silk ties, dark rich vivid colors with small intricate patterns work best
White cloth such as a bed sheet, pillowcase, undershirt
Twistie ties or zip ties
enamelware or glass pot
slotted spoon
white vinegar
Eggs, you'll definitely need some eggs for this project (white or brown and medium to large in size)

Ok, ready set, roll

First we have our blown out eggs, I rinsed them with water and dried them by popping them in the microwave for a few seconds. You want the eggs to be dry but not hot.

Then you take a square from whatever silk item that you butchered and lay the egg against the cloth, print side up. I try and adjust the egg so it falls in place with as much graphic as possible.


Bundle the egg with the silk and just for the time being secure it with your hand.
Pardon my nails, I am in dire need of a manicure!

Next you will wrap the bundled in silk egg in a piece of white cloth. I ended up finding a bed sheet at the thrift store which worked nicely, although I definitely didn't need all that material. Oh well, I'll be stocked for next year.


Well it looks like I have two of the same pictures so for this step all you will do is bundle the egg completely in the white sheet, securing the fabric with your hand for the time being. The excess fabric will be like a white sheet ponytail in your hand, or a sideways ghost.


Use a twist tie, zip tie, strong rubber band or twine to secure the remaining cloth.

Repeat above steps until you run out of eggs or cloth, or get bored!


Fill your pot up with water until eggs are covered.

Add 3 tablespoons vinegar, glug glug glug


Let the egg concoction come to a boil

Simmer for 20 minutes, reward yourself for your hard work by having a glass of wine, beer, soda, water, milk, egg yolks, whatever you want!


When your timer beeps grab your slotted spoon to haul out your eggies because they will be hot, hot, hot! Don't want to burn yourself and risk drop your beautiful egg creation on the ground.

I transferred the eggs, one by one to a bowl in the sink and rinsed them with cool water before I attempted to snip off the twist tie. Hold your breath when you unwrap them because seeing what happened to your egg during this process can be quite shocking!


Your eggie will be need to be drained of water. Be careful because the water can be extremely hot, it was sitting in a simmering pot of water for the last 20 minutes.

Set your masterpieces aside to dry and celebrate your success with another drink!


ENJOY HAVE A HAPPY EASTER

I hope this tutorial was somewhat coherent, especially coming from a person that tends to be very incoherent.

Can Cleaning by Deadly?

I happily chanced across this at the thrift store the other day...







I hope it doesn't turn out to be like this...

I am a Sucker

So I raked in almost one hundred smackeroos on garb that I can't fit in, have no room for, didn't know what I was thinking when i bought it or don't like anymore. Not bad. It was difficult to restrain myself from buying more clothes as I was selling my old ones, but somehow I managed.

The only practical way of celebrating such victory and frugality is indulging in a $18 Costa Rican lunch. I had momentarily considered opting with hotdogs from the Vienna beef factory store, or even standing in line at Hot Dougs, but no a juicy ribeye steak under a pile of onions, with a whopping side of plantains and rice was calling my name. Let's not forget the creamy banana shake. I don't remember the last time I spent that much money on my own lunch. Which makes me wonder what else do I have laying around that I could sell.

I also wanted to mention how pleased I am with my cheap underwear purchase. No it's not from the thrift store, but Target. To think all this time I was blowing my bucks on stupid Victoria's Secret stuff, which don't get me wrong, is fine and dandy. But the Hane's comfort line is my new guilty pleasure. For about $6 you get a set of 3 pair, that's about $2 an undie. And if you read the product description off amazon it states that it's for all types of women from professionals, part time employees and even homemakers. Hellooo, what about the unemployed? Do i just fall under the homemaker category now? Nevertheless the undies are very comfy, come in dorky prints and don't ride up or try to hide in places fabric isn't meant to be. They are perfect complement for surfing the internet in search of the high paying job I need so I no longer have to buy el cheapo underwear.

Why do people give me a look of horror when I ask them if they think it's wrong for me to spend my unemployment money on a Wii fit? One person that was questioned responded that Obama certainly would not approve of me wasting my funds on something so materialistic. I happen to disagree, I think Obama would fully approve of me making the purchase. First of all, the Wii is Obama approved, if he was against the Wii he would have not bought Malia and Sasha one for Christmas. I think Obama would be proud that I would want to be getting in shape even though I could probably do the same activities outside. The White House has a bowling alley in it, yet Obama would rather play Wii bowling. Besides my theory is that if I make the investment of purchasing the Wii fit I can get in shape, boost my confidence and garner a high paying respectable job that I deserve, and spend my free time giving to charity. The only drawback that I can think of is knowing that the Wii Fit is going to call me a fat ass and tell me to get into shape.

PS since we have had cable internet installed my unpacking productivity has gone down to a big fat ZERO!

Slow Moving Creature

Moving is a huge challenge for me. Let's face it, I'm a bit of a pack rat. I confess that I have kept birthday cards that were given to me back in junior high. I keep telling myself that one day I am just going to scan them and keep them as a digital file, but do you think that's very realistic? No. I was very good at packing at first for the move. I boxed all the fragile items carefully and labeled the boxes accurately. But of course I got lazy. On moving day I just dumped drawers out in random boxes and wrapped it all up with tape. Bad idea, now each time my companion asks me, "where is this" or "where is that" i have to go hunting through practically each box of bric a brac in my quest.

In other worlds I am a bit relieved to be unemployed during this time. Sure it would be grand to be making some money so I could spend it on the new house, but right now it's for the best thing since I can be available to let the cable guy in, the appraiser in, the gas guy in, the carpet people in...the list of people stopping by never ends. Maybe I can even dedicate some time to unpacking!


I wish being a packrat meant looking this cute!

Lazy Weekend

The nice thing about spending the weekend at my companion's house is that I can devote mass amounts of time to reading while he diligently turns screws and clamps hoses down on his soon to be extremely rockin and cool looking bike. If I was to spend this time at home I think it would feel somewhat remorseful about not doing anything else productive. So spending this time here is a real treat. And the food is good and they always put a beer or a glass of wine in my hand. Sunday mornings there is a huge plate of bacon to wake up to. I'm glad that my companion's parents are fun and sweet and don't mind my lounging around all Saturday and Sunday.

This weekend I have been reading the House of Sand and Fog. Which Oprah liked so much she decided to make part of her book club. I feel somewhat uncomfortable shelving Oprah books, but what can I say you are guaranteed a grim read.

Maybe it's not the right time for me to be reading this book. But I've already blasted through 310/364 pages. The story revolves around two stubborn groups of people fighting for a house. Which only reminds me of the frustration that my companion and I have felt the last few months. Tomorrow has to be the day that we claim what is ours. I am sick and tired of constantly jumping up to the barrage of phone calls from agents, mortgage lenders and attorneys. Not the mention the fact that we have been living in boxes for 2 months. And all the questions from friends and family about how progress on the new place is going and when are we going to move in. I admit that I fall prey to the excitement of moving in and have discussed and pondered all the different paint color options for this room and that, and what about putting a butcher block in the kitchen for some additional cutting space? But my companion remains firm on the goal, which is closing first, paint second or any of the other nonsense. So everything has to go well tomorrow, March 2nd at 1 pm in Addison. We have fought long and hard and now is the time to move into our very first house. I think Oprah would agree.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

The hardest thing about blogging for me is not being a self-loathing bitch. I mean look at me, I've got no job and I've got no cash. My dreams are about eating pizza and lobster all day, or perhaps lounging on a tropical beach where no one would notice my buddha belly in a bikini.

I am also easily amused. So if I do get in a rut I just need to poke around on the internet for a few moments, or chase the cat. I'm just asking you all to bear with me. I promise that I will do my best to stay witty, crabby, cynical, snide, snarky, snappy but not completely bitter and hateful. Hopefully you can all roll with that. And if you can put up with that maybe you would be willing to pay for my dream vacation? Hey it was worth a shot...